Too Much

It has been an interesting summer. My last blog post brought me home from England, so I guess it is fitting that this one will probably bring me home from my internship with the National Park Service. Being my third internship, I can honestly say it has been tough. I’ve pushed myself harder than any other summer to work hard and research extensively, but I’ve also tried to form myself into a future park employee. Anyone who knows me knows how much I want to work for the NPS, but I find myself perplexed about a problem I’ve had since I started three summers ago.

I’m too excited, too enthusiastic and I need to rein it back.

I can honestly say I am a very happy person. I smile a lot, even when I’m struggling. I find time to laugh even when I really, really don’t feel like laughing. But with a giggle and a rumble inside my chest, it loosens the grip of negativity that sometimes seems too tight. When I get really excited, I know I talk a mile a minute. I sometimes get loud, I’m constantly smiling and at some points, I want to jump up and down. I literally have to keep my feet on the floor.

A perfect example of this would be my overwhelming excitement at the National Museum of American History. I was enamored with the methods of interpretation, presentation of facts and the way they worded everything so carefully. When Bobby and I finally went into the “America in War” exhibit, I could barely hold still. The stump from the battle of Spotsylvania Court House at the Bloody Angle was on display somewhere in the Civil War section and I couldn’t wait to see it. As we continued through each era, I could tell I was getting on Bobby’s nerves. Space grew between us; he’d walk away from me as I blabbered on about something I found interesting or exciting (which, in all honesty, was almost everything). I kept wondering why everyone around me was just walking through with blank expressions. No emotion or reaction. Yet here I am, almost bouncing off the wall in exhilaration! I finally asked Bobby why he was annoyed and his answer made sense. “I’ve never known someone to be so excited about everything and anything. It’s just a little overwhelming sometimes, that’s all.”

 What is wrong with me? Why am I overwhelming?

As I look back at my life to try and find the moment I had my switch, I remember the agonizing years I spent hating my life. Many people don’t know that I suffered from horrible TMJ/jaw pain for almost 6 years. When I was 15 years old, I used to sit and cry in the back of my church alone, praying to God to take the pain away. The muscles would rip, inflame until my vision was blurred. I couldn’t eat anything that required me to chew unless I risked the grinding of bone that sliced into my cheek bones and down my neck. I would slowly open my eyes in the morning for school and in those few moments before my body stirred awake, the pain would be silent. My head felt disconnected from my body and I fought the urge to smile. But in fighting that urge, a muscle would twitch and begin to spasm, causing the whole process over again. I missed day after day of school. I lost weight. My eyes plunged into deep purple circles as I tried every day to cover them up with makeup. But no amount of makeup could cover the agony I endured. It became so bad that I frequently imagined what it would be like if I tore my jaw off from the hinges. The soft flesh right under the curve of the jaw bone could easily be hooked, right? I could just take my thumbs, curl them around my mandible and tear it off. Men returning from the Civil War, WWI and WWII lived without the lower jaw, so why couldn’t I? I could live again if it was gone. My personal hellhounds couldn’t gnaw at my bone once it was gone. I could throw it for them to catch. They could drag it back to hell while I began my life again. I didn’t need to speak, I just needed to be pain free.

December 9^th, 2009 will be a day I remember forever. 

I was given a second chance at life. I could still be living in this pain, begging God to take it away or take me away. There were times where death seemed better than living like this, but I felt the need to find an answer. Make it to the days where the pain would be gone and I could live again. And today, yesterday, tomorrow, are all those days.I was finally released, let go from the moment I awoke from the surgery. It was gone, no more pain, no more suffering. Even through the recovery and the taunting laughs at my garbled speech, I was pain free. I didn’t care how much they laughed. All I cared about was being pain free. Those years of wanting and praying and begging for it to be all over changed me.

I am excited to live because I know what it feels like to want to die.  I understand the feeling of wanting to rip your hair out because there is no answer. Yet every day has its own blessing. The days where my medication worked and I could sleep with my face completely relaxed, the muscles loose from the relaxer. The days where milkshakes tasted so good, even with the triple dose of protein powder in it. How good it felt to have a full stomach after watching everyone around you bite into their lunches, their cookies and chips. How beautiful it is to hear a visitor play taps in the National Cemetery as everyone around you stops to listen. How a moving statement sparks a child’s interest. There are so many little blessings, little miracles every day that I am so happy to experiencing. I am excited to live, to breathe, to taste, to smile, to laugh and to talk about what I love. Many people say I talk too much, and sometimes I do. But just know that when I talk too much to you, that means I want to enjoy my blessing of being able to share my passion with you pain free, without the fear of having my face tear to shreds within a few moments after our conversation. I’m taking advantage of my life, my pain free, beautiful life. Every life is beautiful, so why not enjoy it?

Some say I’m too overwhelming, too excited, too much. But when is one life time enough? I am going to enjoy everything to the fullest and encourage others to do so.. I may be super energetic and super enthusiastic, but I’ll take it over who I was before. I may have to learn to transfer this excitement into other channels, but I will never lose it. It’s a part of who I am and who I want to be. Living positively brings so much joy and who doesn’t want joy in their life?

~E