I cannot describe the feeling when I walk up my metal steps here in England. I take deep breath in of the crisp air. It feels clearer here, sweeter at times. Spring is bringing the little white and pink flowers out on the trees right outside my flat. It's a beautiful sight, making the little things in life seem so great. What else could I need?
Spring Break was an incredible week. I met my boyfriend's family, something I was really looking forward to, and they were even better than I imagined. We had so much fun! They welcomed me in with such an overwhelming feeling of family warmth. I know the entire weekend, while I was with them, I talked about was my family. My incredible twin, who's spunk and sarcasm keeps me on my toes and brings a smile to my face even when I talk about her. She's always with me, in the my shadow on the ground or the sayings we share that I say even when we are apart. My hilariously beautiful little sister who looks like she's 23 when she's actually just 18. Her wonderful way of never letting anything get to her while pushing through the last year of high school and pursuing her dreams. My wonderful parents, who have supported me through everything and anything. FaceTiming me as I force back some tears because all I'd like to do is hug them. I want my father's huge, engulfing arms around me for a 'Zazzy' hug or to lay my head in my mother's lap while she brushes through my hair and we talk about everything. I felt like I was bragging, but when you have an incredible family, how can you not? I realized how much I truly miss them and I finally had a pinch of "You know, I kind of want to go home to see my family."
Bobby and I continued our week up to Edinburgh, Scotland for a very romantic and fun adventure. We stuffed our face with all-you-can-eat at Pizza Hut (which I know sounds gross to everyone in the US, but they made GREAT pizza for an amazing prize!) while talking with our waiter. I found that I can understand the Scottish accent better than the English, which was very strange. I was expecting the opposite. We went into the Scotch Whiskey Experience and learned about all the different whiskeys made in Scotland. The tour was only Bobby and I, but we had a lot of fun. We talked about our time in college (and in his case, 'univ'.) and I kept making him blush. It wasn't intentional, I swear! Bobby got a kick out of it though, which was good.
We toured around the Edinburgh Castle and was rather disappointed. As someone planning to study public history, the displays were poorly done and had no direction. The lighting made the text very hard to read, and all of Scotland's history was thrown around many rooms with no timeline. I kept questioning whether that was because of a lack of individual national history, since Scotland has battled for independence from England and the United Kingdom for ages. Even today, they are trying to vote for independence and to join the European Union. Does the tie to the UK damage the feeling of historical significance in Scotland? I couldn't find my answer. Bobby and I kept discussing it, yet couldn't find an answer. It was intriguing.
Coming home was such an adventure. We took trains all the way up to Scotland and back, but the way back was during the day. The rolling green hills of Southern Scotland and Northern England were absolutely beautiful with little fluffs of sheep scattering the countryside, many with lambs frolicking beside them. It was a wonderful sense of peace. However, finally getting home and checking my email brought some shock and a lot of tears. A lot. I wasn't selected for a fellowship I've been apart of since freshman year of college. It was a hurtful discovery, with many mixed emotions. I kept asking why and how while reviewing my past academics over and over and over again. What had I done wrong? What hadn't I done right? What did everyone else do that I didn't? Why wasn't I good enough?
On top of another rejection for an internship I really wanted over the summer, my first night home was a mess. I have never cried that hard in my life. Bobby wouldn't let go of me for hours. He wiped away all the tears, even when my eyes couldn't produce any more. Now, a few days later, I have had a full day where I didn't cry. I didn't even really think about it. I enjoyed my break and time with Bobby, making a couch fort and eating ice cream while we were making our dinner. After thinking with a clear mind, I can see what I have to do to not let this happen again. I know I've written about this before, but I wanted to reiterate it. I have ADD. I frequently refer to it as 'the fuzz', because it feels like I'm fighting through a thick layer of fuzz to get something done, or to explain how my focus gets lost in my field of fuzz. I had the choice, when going to college, to put it on my record and have it transfer from high school. Wanting to be a completely different person and start fresh, I declined. I told my high school to not pass on my academic plans, and they didn't. Slowly, over the last few years and especially this past semester, I've lost control of my ADD. I let it paralyze me, scare me and control me. I hated myself and tried to force myself into someone I'm not. I thought wanting to be someone else and pushing myself to be like everyone else around me would work. It didn't, and I'm paying the consequences.
Senior year is staring me in the face, especially with this semester half way done. I don't want to leave England. I haven't had any of the fears or problems that I had back at school. I've let my creativity burst, and I'm benefiting from it. All of my papers and projects have come back, to my shock, in the B+/A- and A range. I haven't had that in years! But why am I thriving here and not back at school? After a rewarding break, where I let my hair down, joked around, let me be me and suddenly having the shock of reality, I've realized that I need to work with myself. Not just accept, but work with. I have accepted myself and my lovely distracted mind. It takes me hours to do something that takes Bobby 15 minutes, and ya' know what? That's okay. Just means that I have to start earlier. I've been doing a lot of research on methods of dealing with ADD along with medication. Today alone, I have found diets to start, organizational tips and books to structure my life. I even found one titled "How to Write a Thesis with Adult ADD". Well, good thing I'm writing my thesis next Fall with this bad boy printed out.
Coming abroad has been the best decision of my life. I needed to get away from school. I needed to discover who I was for me. Not what everyone keeps telling me. I'm creative. I like having colorful hopes and dreams. I want to strive for what I want to do, not what people say I should or shouldn't do. Trying to mold myself into what I want will only happen if I let myself be me first. England has brought me out.
"Emma is Emma, wherever she goes." is the statement my mother has always said since I was little. And I think, after a life changing Spring Break, I have finally fully achieved that statement.
~E
