Monday, September 22, 2014

Muhammad Ali On This ADHD



I haven’t written in a while, which probably shows the craziness of my life right now. Senior year is always the busiest, with looking at grad schools, senior thesis, classes and now for me, starting up a brand new club on my own.  I have been running around in circles trying to get Great ADDitudes off the ground and we finally have a date for our first meeting. September 24th at 7:30 pm. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous to see how many people will show up (who aren’t going just to support me, really.) Because of the delicacy of this topic, the College has been rather stand off-ish right now until we see how many people are interested or even comfortable with coming forward with the fact that they have ADHD. But what happened to me today makes the fire in my heart flare higher to make a difference in the ADHD community. I want people to be comfortable and never put up with statements like,

“You have ADHD? I NEVER would have guessed!” *laugh*

Today, I ran around Gettysburg College putting up 20 posters for Great ADDitudes. I have worked extremely hard on not only making it welcoming but also serious enough to get some members. I had made a list of all the places I wanted to hang them, I imagined how I was going to tape them up and pictured people walking past them, feeling defeated after a class or ashamed that they had forgotten their homework, again and see the little beam of home in the shape of a poster welcoming them into an understanding community. To say I was excited was an understatement, but as I was hanging them up in one of the academic buildings on campus, an acquaintance spotted me taping them up. I happily showed them my poster and I started to say how excited I was to change the College community for the better when this person started to chuckle.

“You have ADHD? I NEVER would have guessed!”

I was stunned. My answer was quick and a bit of a joke of how yes, I do have ADHD and it shows in EVERYTHING, but then I was filled with a sense of shame. I was ashamed that it showed everywhere. How could they have picked up on it? Was my hiding techniques not working?! WAS IT THAT OBVIOUS?!


Note to whoever is reading this: Don’t ever say ANYTHING about ADHD to someone who struggles with it. No joke, no comparison, no nothing. Don’t. Do. It.

Even now, hours after this happened, I am mixed with a sense of shame, guilt and overall, embarrassment. My room is a mess. I have 4 water bottles on my desk, all of which have at least some water still in them. My floor is covered in clothes and there is some homework that is nagging me in the back of my head. But the knot in my stomach of disgust for myself and how much my hard work over the past few months has been for nothing because it was THAT OBVIOUS that I have a problem. That thought is keeping me from focusing. I’m tired. My medication has worn off and I want to cry. However, I still have that beam of hope.  I still have Great ADDitudes. I want to let the world know that our preconceived notions on ADHD are wrong. There shouldn’t be statements like this being said to people who struggle and battle every day of their lives. There shouldn’t be jokes, or difficulties to get needed help with medications and counseling because of how abused the disorder is. I want to bring that to light. I want professors, staff, college officials and the entire college to change their view on ADHD. I work hard, desperately hard to stay on top of things. I have done everything in my power to work with myself and sometimes hey, I miss a step. I stumble, but at least now I don’t fall and crawl up into a ball. I don’t become paralyzed and although tonight, I have accepted the fact that I am upset. That I probably won’t be as productive as I should be, I know tomorrow will be a reset. I will wake up with the sun, take my medication and have a relaxing morning to review the books I read while thinking about/writing this blog. I will go through my check list and cross things off. And guess what? There is nothing wrong with that.

If anyone at Gettysburg College is reading this, know that you are not alone.  You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one who cries because you feel like you have failed because your medication wears off before you want it to. You’re not the only one who struggles to stays focus. You’re not the only one who sees the spiraling colors of life and blossoms of creativity. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

So be like me. Let it all out. Cry a little. Write a little. But get up the next day and fight for yourself. I put my boxing gloves on, take a deep breath and go Muhammad Ali on this ADHD.