May the Civil War Force Be With You

It's been an interesting month of September for me. I'm a junior in college now, which is kind of a limbo stage between being a college student and being an adult. I still am in school, but I'm getting closer and closer to that time of making a choice.

Do I go off to graduate school, or do I get a job and wait a year?

As I walked back home from my class this morning, the song "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson came on my iPod. For the first time, really, I listened to the words, and it struck me hard. When I came to Gettysburg College, it was a huge change. I wanted to break away and go find who I was. Who am I? What do I want to do in my life?

I was scared. I was afraid of taking a risk and following my dreams. All these thoughts of "I want to do this! I want to do that!" flooded my head in the first few weeks of my freshman year. But a life changing paper in my First Year Seminar brought me to a man who's been in my thoughts and prayers for the past few weeks. A man who took this overly excited, jumpy, skiddish, obsessed kid and turned her into a calm, collected, upcoming historian.

For privacy sake, I'm going to call him "Obi-Wan". Yes, this is from Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars, but his mentoring advice has been like a Jedi to a  young padawan.

I chose Obi-Wan as the person to interview for this paper because I had seen him on TV. A documentary on the battle of Gettysburg featured him and many other historians talking about the battle, and I noticed under his name it said "Gettysburg College". I literally started shaking my friend next to me, screaming "HE COULD BE ONE OF MY PROFESSORS! I AM GOING TO HAVE HIM AS A PROFESSOR OH MY GOOOODD!" From that moment, I knew I wanted to meet him. His passion for the subject he was talking about was so obvious. It literally dripped off every word he said in the documentary, and I wanted to learn how to do that. I wanted to learn how to convey this passion in such a powerful way.

From that interview on, he has pushed me to succeed. I had only been on campus for a few weeks, and he was already telling me to apply for an internship program, become a Civil War Fellow and to get involved with the Civil War community.  I was so scared, but the faith he put in me was so encouraging, I did exactly what he said. When I walked into the internship interview, a table full of supervisory historians from many different National Park  battlefields looked up at me and smiled.

"So, I hear you are a twin?"

I froze, shakily answering that I was, in fact, and identical twin. I must have had a very confused look on my face, because they all laughed.

"(Obi-Wan) was just talking about you, and how you're an identical twin. That must be really cool!"
I remember blushing, looking over at Obi-Wan with a huge smile on my face. He nodded to me, and started the interview off on a cheerful note. Coming out of that interview, and now knowing what happened behind the scenes, I was not the first choice for many of the parks. I was only an 18 year old freshman with no real work experience, and I had never lived on my own. They seemed leery of me, but Obi-Wan stuck his neck out for me. A supervisory historian from the park I ended up going to told me months later that had it not been for Obi-Wan's advice, he wouldn't have chosen me, but he was so thankful he did. "I was so glad I listened to (Obi-Wan), because he was right. You were the right choice."

Obi-Wan has impacted my life so much in the limited time I've been here at Gettysburg College. He has always told me I have potential, that I will be a wonderful historian if I just put some faith in myself. When I told him I was thinking about switching majors because so many students around me were telling me I wasn't a good historian, a good writer, or a good researcher, he told me to knock it off.

"Emma, that's crazy. Who ever told you that? You just have the confidence in yourself to keep going. You'll get there."

Now, I reverse this back to him. My Obi-Wan discovered a brain tumor earlier this month, which has been removed successfully. Now diagnosed with cancer, he has a whole new battle to fight. But like my scared little freshman self, I use his words on him.

Have confidence in yourself, Obi-Wan. Keep going, because you'll get there. You'll be back before you know it, scarves and all. The Civil War Force flows strongly through you, and you are supported by an army of Civil Warriors. Students, friends, and faculty are all behind you.

I also want to thank him, for everything he has done for me. I'm not afraid to start a historical conversation. I enjoy discussing history with people around me, and I don't doubt myself. I am a young padawan, learning to use the Civil War Force as my Jedi Master has taught me. I continue to pray, as I ask the people who read this blog to as well, for the Force to be with him, and that he may have a successful recovery.

May the Force be with you.

~E

Fears of My Face

Has anyone ever had a traumatic experience? Maybe a bad break up that makes you afraid of love, a car accident that makes you afraid to drive or a fall that makes you afraid of heights?

We all have something that we are afraid of, whether it be logical or not. It usually stems from something that has happened to us in the past which makes us afraid of the future. Recently, I have had one suddenly bubble up in my chest, making my heart race and bring tears to my eyes at just the thought of it.

My face.

Since I was 12, I have suffered from TMJ. That is short for temporal mandibular joint disorder, which is the joints that make up your jaw. Those beautiful hinges that get a lot of exercise during the day, from drinking a glass of water to chewing a piece of gum to giving someone a kiss, use the muscles and joints in your face. To save everyone from the long story, I'll sum it up quick: the left joint wouldn't stop growing, the right did stop growing, and my face shifted. True, many people today don't believe me that my face is off center, which I appreciate, but I can guarantee you, it is. Which is a-okay! I have finally reached that point in my life where I love my face, my crooked little chin and lopsided bones. It makes me, well, me. I've had two facial surgeries in my lifetime, the last being rather traumatic. I had my mouth wired shut, with times to open and close my mouth for a specific time for 9 months.  Limited liquid, non-chew diet to a soft chew diet until the 9 months was up. It was hard, and with this struggle emerged a deep seeded fear of reversal.

I am deathly afraid my face will go back to how it was before my surgery.

That ripping, tearing agony that shred through every fiber in my face, the sharp, quick shots of pain that sliced through the joints and into my eyes, my head and neck could return. I know it won't, but I have this fear that it could.

During one of my times out of my mouth piece, my splint had accidentally been knocked off the bathroom counter and into the garbage can. Returning to put my equipment back on, I couldn't find it. I searched through every nook and cranny of the bathroom, through the kitchen where I had something to eat, and I dumped out my jaw back all the way down to the last rubber band. Panic set in, and I started to cry. I was frantic, having only one thing go through my head.

I don't want to go back.

Finally digging through the garbage, I found my splint at the bottom of the can. It was perfectly fine, just happened to get buried. I sobbed that particular cry of fright, one where you're trying to gasp for air while feeling like you can't breathe. Rocking back and forth with that little piece of plastic in my hands, I thanked God for the ability to find it. That little piece with those little rubber bands guaranteed me a life that was pain free. As long as I had that, I was safe. My face was still safe.


It's been almost 4 years since my surgery, and I am still pain free. It has been a long road, with many sets of braces, multiple retainers and diet restrictions. But one little thing can burst that safety balloon, and I have done just that. My current retainer has been damaged, and I have no idea how. I've worn it for the past two years, and it suddenly wouldn't fit. One of the side wired was accidentally bent, and I couldn't figure out how. How do I fix it? How do I sleep without it? What will happen if I don't have it? What's going to happen?!

I've finally have an appointment set up to get myself a new one, a couple months after my last one was damaged, but the fear still boils up once in a while, especially in moments like this. My palms sweat and my heart races as  I remember those long nights laying in bed with every muscle relaxed from my medication while my face throbbed, untouched from the pill.

God doesn't give you fear for nothing. Even with this fear, I have this deep thanks for His blessing of a pain free life. Every day, I get up and go to class no problem, which is the polar opposite as it was years ago when I struggled to go to school through the pain. What a blessing it is. The loss of such a blessing is a scary, and I pray to God every day to keep my face safe.

It is my crooked little face, after all, and I wouldn't be Emma without talkin' a lot.

~E