My first official blog! And my goodness, is it a long one.
One thing I thoroughly enjoy to do is write. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I constantly have a notebook with me, whether if it is a small, black pocket book, or a large 3 ringed binder holding multiple stories, ideas, emotions or memories. Along with creatively writing, I also write in my journal. The first one I can remember writing was in 6th grade, and it has evolved from there. Now being in college, I carry some of my journals with me to sometimes reflect on my progression and growth and life. I also want to see how amazing my life has become, and count all the blessings today that were building years ago. Sometimes it’s a cheap form of entertainment since my life almost plays out like a movie, and I chuckle at my young self and my young mind. Today, while cleaning and reading some for homework, I took two journals, one from 2011 and the other from 2012 to read how much my life has changed in two years.
One thing I thoroughly enjoy to do is write. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I constantly have a notebook with me, whether if it is a small, black pocket book, or a large 3 ringed binder holding multiple stories, ideas, emotions or memories. Along with creatively writing, I also write in my journal. The first one I can remember writing was in 6th grade, and it has evolved from there. Now being in college, I carry some of my journals with me to sometimes reflect on my progression and growth and life. I also want to see how amazing my life has become, and count all the blessings today that were building years ago. Sometimes it’s a cheap form of entertainment since my life almost plays out like a movie, and I chuckle at my young self and my young mind. Today, while cleaning and reading some for homework, I took two journals, one from 2011 and the other from 2012 to read how much my life has changed in two years.
My goodness, has my life changed.
2 years ago, on February 2nd, 2011, there was a massive snow storm hitting Chicago. The “snowpocolypse” as everyone termed it, and I was trapped home by the mountains of snow. We stayed home, I baked a loaf of bread, and we all watched terrible movies. It was a night I wasn’t consumed by my daily loneliness. There are pages and pages of me struggling through an emptiness—an ache that I begged God to take away from me. I didn’t feel like I had anyone left at school to comfort me. I watched my sister fall deeper in love with her boyfriend as I watched my love life go helplessly down the drain. I had asked a boy to the school dance around this time, and he turned me down “for amiable reasons” I wrote, which today I laugh at, because I was right. Good for him, turn me down! But around this time 2 years ago, a man came back into my life who I thought was gone forever. He reached out to me again, and I was so flustered, angry, confused and intrigued. I remember pounding my fists into the kitchen table, cursing that this wasn’t what I wanted. I was focusing on the beautiful college before me, hoping that my life was going to drastically change when I got there, not get roped back into this nonsensical spiral of meaningless words and attempts to keep me trapped in his life. I prayed to God, lost for what I was going to do next. I was jolted with happiness at the idea that someone could possibly want me, maybe even care for me, but I was also holding on tight to my future. Gettysburg College, what a mystery you seemed to be.
1 year ago, around this time, I was adjusting to living in a new, stress-free room. I could let my hair down, be myself and live. I had finally moved out of my first semester room after months of debating to leave or stay, and I was so thankful for moving. I struggled with pop-up windows from the previous year, but not in the way I was expecting. I was angry at my stupidity, looking back and wanting to slap some sense into myself.
2 years ago, on February 2nd, 2011, there was a massive snow storm hitting Chicago. The “snowpocolypse” as everyone termed it, and I was trapped home by the mountains of snow. We stayed home, I baked a loaf of bread, and we all watched terrible movies. It was a night I wasn’t consumed by my daily loneliness. There are pages and pages of me struggling through an emptiness—an ache that I begged God to take away from me. I didn’t feel like I had anyone left at school to comfort me. I watched my sister fall deeper in love with her boyfriend as I watched my love life go helplessly down the drain. I had asked a boy to the school dance around this time, and he turned me down “for amiable reasons” I wrote, which today I laugh at, because I was right. Good for him, turn me down! But around this time 2 years ago, a man came back into my life who I thought was gone forever. He reached out to me again, and I was so flustered, angry, confused and intrigued. I remember pounding my fists into the kitchen table, cursing that this wasn’t what I wanted. I was focusing on the beautiful college before me, hoping that my life was going to drastically change when I got there, not get roped back into this nonsensical spiral of meaningless words and attempts to keep me trapped in his life. I prayed to God, lost for what I was going to do next. I was jolted with happiness at the idea that someone could possibly want me, maybe even care for me, but I was also holding on tight to my future. Gettysburg College, what a mystery you seemed to be.
1 year ago, around this time, I was adjusting to living in a new, stress-free room. I could let my hair down, be myself and live. I had finally moved out of my first semester room after months of debating to leave or stay, and I was so thankful for moving. I struggled with pop-up windows from the previous year, but not in the way I was expecting. I was angry at my stupidity, looking back and wanting to slap some sense into myself.
“I keep thinking about how stupid I was. If I hadn’t had him come back and
severely hurt me, I could be a strong, confident Emma.”
I wrestled with my identity,
wanting to be so much more than I was becoming. I was hiding something, and I
can see it in my words. I later describe how I had a moment while talking to my
Grandma on the phone that I realized I was lost in an unknown area of life...
“I am lost in relationships. Sure, I’ve gotten wisdom in
toxic relationships, but never in relationships that are mutual. I’ve never
been in a relationship where I am loved also. I pondered for a moment, then
imagined myself, totally clueless in a situation where I am the one cared
about. How could I act?!”
I had no idea! I was gaining friends, battling with my idea
of who I was, and who was out there for me.
Today, February 2, 2013, I am cleaning my room for a Super
Bowl party I am hosting in my room. Some of my closest friends are coming over,
and we’re going to order pizza. I also am doing some laundry, some homework,
but there is something that is on my mind that won’t go away. My boyfriend is
currently at an immersion event in South Carolina for Civil War reenacting. He
is cut off from the 21st century, only to have 2 loaves of authentic
bread I baked for him, my tintype picture and a letter from me to connect him
to me. When he arrived yesterday, he called to tell me he was alright and that
he loved me, and missed me terribly already. I expressed the same feelings,
informing him that everything felt quieter without him. As I said my last “I
love you” while he hung up, I took a deep breathe, ready to face the next few
days without hearing from him, trying not to think about if he is cold, or
hungry, or tired…
But he is coming home tomorrow, and I cannot wait to have him in my arms, holding him as he goes on and on about the 1860’s experiences he had. His excitement is so beautiful and pure, and I love to watch as he gushes about his passions.He'll continue on how much he missed me, how many times he looked at my tintype or reread my letter, imagining my smiling face or hearing my voice ring through his ears.
Look how much my life has changed! In 2011, I was struggling with loneliness and a boy I thought I loved who was creeping back into my life. In 2012, I had moved into a room with a wonderful friend and was gaining more as the school year went on. I wanted to slap myself for my past, knowing that I was totally lost in relationships. I didn’t even know where to begin!
Today, I’m hosting a party and waiting for a man who loves me to come home. As I look through my past and see how much I have succeeded and grown, it just reinforces my belief of finding who you are from what you struggled with in the past. I am a strong, confident Emma. I am no longer plagued with loneliness, and I am in love with someone who loves me just the same.
God bless the broken road that has led me to the life I now lead.
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