Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Let It Go
Phew! What a semester. After a really bad mix of classes, I made it through. Thank God. However, even struggling through this semester and reflecting on A LOT (thanks a lot Philosophy) I have multiple things to combine in this blog post, but I'll start off with the one thing that tops them all off.
Oh, that beautiful, horrendous state I hate. From past posts that I have written and taken down due to negative feed back from past people of my life, I won't go into heavy detail. My time in Illinois was hard. I was bullied a lot, from grade school on. I still have nightmares of being in high school with people I never really want to see again. I frequently dream of my old house that I didn't get to say goodbye too. In nice dreams, I'm with my few friends that I haven't seen in six months to a year, and I always cry through the entire dream. I miss them, and they miss me. And in a few weeks, I'll be heading back to visit my extended family that I haven't seen in a year. I know I've fallen off the face of the earth with them, which I always do during the school year. I always write in every single to-do list "Call Fooda. Call Grandma", which always gets pushed behind "Research for paper. Revise story". I am looking forward to seeing them, and I am really excited for a new goal I have set for myself. Even with the last two weeks of school being really hard for me, a song popped up on my newsfeed that I listened to that hit me square in the chest.
"Let It Go" by Idina Menzel from the movie Frozen. I have yet to see this movie, but while listening to this song, I caught some tears in my eyes. A sincere mix of happy and moving tears.
"It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all."
My home in Pennsylvania is about 14 hours from my past home in Illinois. That's a distance, and there are times, especially while I'm at school in Gettysburg surrounded by incredible people, I completely forget about my past life. My fears of friends and fear of joining a club or organization don't keep me from diving in head first. I am flourishing here, which means I must do something that the title of this song is banging over my head.
I must let it all go. Let all of the fear of the past go.
"I'm never going back; the past is in the past! Let it go, let it go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn!"
Just because I'm going back to Illinois does not mean I'm going back to the past. It is out of my life now and I am blossoming into the person I want to become. In the past two weeks, when I'm not hiding in my little cave to write a paper like a petrified bat, I'm going out with friends. I'm getting lunch with them, getting drinks with them. Ordering pizza, while the next morning we reminisce about our electric lemonades and gin and tonic adventures with a laugh and sincere happiness. I'm snuggling watching a movie or playing World of Warcraft with the love of my life. I'm texting my twin sister, planning our fun times when we are finally back together after school is out. I am so thankful for everyone in my life right now, so why am I not focusing on that? Why am I not trying to bring that with me to Illinois instead of bringing Illinois into my Pennsylvania life? Where is that logic?!
Despite it being SO far from New Years (in reality, not really but you get my drift), I already have my resolution for 2014. I vow that I will let go of Illinois. I will not have nightmares of the past. I will not let these people constantly pop up when I'm out with my friends here. I will enjoy their company and value the fun I have with them MORE because of my past, but I won't be constantly afraid that I'm going to come back from England and they won't speak to me. I won't be afraid of that. I am not afraid of that. I am happy they're apart of my life and apart of who I am.
To BK, BMJ and AJ (and MJ, cute little thing), the entire CWES house, the Gettysburg Semester students and every single person I have met at Gettysburg College, this one is to you. You have made my life everything I've wanted it to be. And, of course, my wonderful twin for always being there for me through the entire journey and the love of my life. RWN, I couldn't have come to this conclusion without you there to catch the tears when I let the fear of the past clash with my beautiful present and future. You truly are an incredible young man.
Time to let it go.