When You Believe

What always makes me have moments of self reflection are songs that strike just at the right moment. I put on my pump-up playlist to basically jump around in my pajamas, a slower song came on that caught me off guard.

"When You Believe" from The Prince of Egypt slowly played from my computer as I listened to the words to calm my racing, excited heart. The lyrics hit me square in the chest as I began to realize something. Something big. I've written a lot on my personal struggles with my ADHD and academics in my many posts, with the most recent one being Thunderstorms of Life (http://emmalinerose1863.blogspot.com/2014/11/thunderstorms-of-life.html), but despite all the battles and moments of self doubt, I have prevailed.

I beat every single obstacle in front of me this semester. Even when I was afraid, when I didn't know what was going to come next, when I felt like I was going to be swallowed by my thesis, my school work, my own anxiety and worry, I prevailed. I pushed myself to the utmost physical and academic limit. Even when I sat with Bobby's arms wrapped lovingly around me as I cried helplessly, wondering how I was going to make it to my next assignment, I made it. If I was falling asleep, instead of beating myself up, I went to bed and woke up early. Even if that meant getting up at the earliest of 4:45 AM, I did it. I worked endlessly and guess what? It paid off.

My thesis was sent back today. My topic was on fraternization across the Rappahannock River after the Battle of Fredericksburg and ironically, it was sent back on the 152nd anniversary of the battle. I was so nervous to open it that I called my twin sister. I needed someone there with me while I opened it, but I still wavered whether I should open it right then and there.

"Emma, just open it. It's okay." The voice of reason from my twin sister comforted me as I clicked it open.

I got a B+. I went up an entire letter grade from my first draft. Oh. My. GOD. After feeling so lost, struggling through so much and fighting against countless odds, I achieved a higher grade that I had anticipated. Do you know how amazing that feels?! The battles you fought against yourself were a victory? That you put your boxing gloves on every day and fought it out for a win??

Now we are not afraid

Although we know there's much to fear

We were moving mountains

long before we knew we could

Wow. That's all I really can say. I knew that in the end, I would make it. I held onto that moment of hope that "this, too, shall end." I believed in my ability to make it through, in my ability to write and have an analytical argument. Was it perfect? Of course not. But where is the fun in perfect?

There can be miracles

When you believe

Though hope is frail

It's hard to kill

Who knows what miracles

You can achieve

When you believe

Somehow you will

You will when you believe

You can make your own personal miracles on your own when you believe in yourself, in the supportive, incredible friends, family and co-workers. Even if it's just a little one, like getting a good grade and surviving a brutal semester, it still counts as a miracle. And when you have a little miracle, it feels incredible.

To everyone who helped me through this last semester, I truly appreciate the many moments of reassurance and support that helped me push through my many moments of self doubt. I couldn't have made it without you.

~E