Twenty-One

On Wednesday, November 13th, I will be turning twenty-one.

I know this blog is usually things I reflect on or ponder, and for the past week I have had a million things to ponder. How will I write this paper? How am I going to do this presentation? How will I spend time with my house? How will I spend time with my boyfriend? Family?  Friends? Where am I going this summer? What do I want to do with my life? When will I get my room organized? Why does it always take forever for me to do laundry? Why does purple make-up always make my eyes burn?


Despite the randomness of my thoughts, some of these points stick out more than others. For example, my upcoming summer. I want to intern at one park, but one park might not want me. From my gathered knowledge, many OTHER parks want me to intern for them. While grappling with what I want to do verses what I should do, it all boils down to now being an adult. I'll be of legal age to drink after the 13th... so now I'm an adult? How is that right?

What I've come to realize is that birthday's do not mean you'll change overnight. The only thing that changes is the number and for me, the fact that I can drink. Change doesn't come with the stroke of midnight, and it takes time to happen. On every birthday since I was 18, I have learned that it takes time. Takes time to what? That's what life is to decide.

On the night before my 18th birthday, my sister and I sat up to watch the clock hit midnight. We would finally be a legal adult and no longer a minor, and for me, that was a big deal. I had a guy I was head over heels in love with constantly telling me I needed to turn 18 for us to date. He was a few years older than me, which made that requirement understandable. But for me, it was something more. I thought once I turned 18, I would have a revelation in my life and would change into this beautiful, attractive, sexy and desired woman once the clock stroked twelve. I literally held my breath as my computer clock hit midnight.

At 12:01, I didn't feel any different. Nothing had changed, and no message of saying, "Oh yes, Emma, I want to be with you!" came to me. I was stunned, but now looking back, I laugh. I wanted change so badly that  I thought it would be easy. Nothing in life is easy, 18-year-old self. Things are hard, and you have to fight through them. That night I could barely talk because of spacers in my teeth for my 3rd set of braces. Now, years later, I have the joy of a retainer and lovely straight teeth. YEARS LATER. Just like braces, it takes time to change into the straight perfection we all crave, and sometimes perfection isn't achieved. I have some space still between my teeth, but they look wonderful, so what's the problem? What's the problem with not being ready? I wasn't ready for a serious relationship at 18. I wasn't ready for the change of adulthood yet, either. And even at 21, I'm not so sure I'm ready for adulthood.

But that's the beauty of change. It doesn't come when you're not ready. Doesn't even come when you're ready! It comes when you're not even looking. This upcoming decision for my summer won't come when I'm sitting at the computer biting my nails wondering and hoping and PRAYING that an answer will fall out of the sky. It'll come when I've had a rough day and I'm overwhelmed or when it's been a wonderful day and I've been productive. In both scenarios, I'm just taking my life one day at a time. I'm successful in the sense that I got up and faced the day. Some days it's hard, and others I'm bounding for the door. But with every day that I go and live my life, I'm changing. Not drastically and not over night, but I'm maturing into the adult I want to be. I'm learning lessons, both academically and socially. I am learning about myself and my limitations that I can take into the workforce or future education opportunities. I am learning that I care deeply for my friends and that's okay; they care about me too. I am learning that a relationship isn't easy, but the purest, deepest love helps work things out, even if it takes a month. If you really love someone, you'll work through it all. Fight and yell at each other, but then say "I'm sorry" to each other and admit to your faults.

B and I had been struggling for the past few weeks on quality time and communication. I couldn't understand why he wanted to be in the library all the time on the weekends instead of spending the day with me. The work wouldn't be due for days, even weeks! But he couldn't understand why I wouldn't let him work. A vicious cycle of trying to fit together with our passion for knowledge but our want of quality time didn't work for almost a month. Change didn't come until we weren't looking. A casual conversation on the upcoming week turned into a life changing heart to heart that struck both of us to the core. Since that day, we have been working together beautifully, and have returned to the working machine of a relationship.


But that wasn't at the stroke of midnight. It wasn't even a birthday. It was just a day after we grew and learned the hard way.

To my many birthday buddies, have a wonderful birthday. I'll be toasting you with my first legal glass of wine... or Jameson, or something.


~E